# "EMMETT CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN I AM READING PROUST!"

Due to the mind-crushing boredom of my time at Uni between my exams and lectures actually beginning, I have decided to return to my look-over of Twilight (shock, horror jk). And this time, it's more in-depth and to the point. I will be actually REVIEWING it and stating my exact opinion on it in the following areas: Plot, Vampires (hey, its a divisive subject), Characters, Writing Style and Overall Opinion.

PLEASE NOTE: Any rabid fans/haters who have a problem, please note. Your flames and insults do not concern me (I welcome the attention) and your threats need to be really sadistic to even phase me - I am VERY sadistic when I want to be!

Anyway, enough of that crap - On with the show.

PLOT:
All good stories should have a good plot, am I right? I mean, a story doesn't really go anywhere if there's nothing driving the characters forward towards a set goal, forcing them to make critical choices and changes to allow them to finally reach the goal and either fail abysmally or succeed triumphantly. However, the only thing that Twilight fails abysmally at in terms of Plot is the existence of a plot. With the whole romance plot over by about chapter 13 (heh, sparkling), it takes a appalling 5 chapters to actually reach anything approaching a decent plotline - VILLAINS. During that time, we barely get much characterisation from any of the other characters (Only 2 get any decent level of characterisation in and one of them is Edward for crying out loud). All in all, a disappointment for a much-hyped book.

SCORE: 2/10

VAMPIRES:
I don't have a general problem with the changes to vampires that are actually explained in a believable manner (super-strength and speed and apparently super-beauty etc (sounds like Superman with his Silver Age super-abilities)), but I can say that I have an issue with the lack of fangs. While the sparkling is just blatantly pointless and useless except as a deterrant from actually going out in sunlight, the fangs seem to be a bad piece of evolution on these vampires' parts, since if their bite is 'venomous', surely they need to be easily able to actually inflict damage to the target body with their teeth. I mean, vampires are practically symbolised by possession of fangs (And don't give me crap about having them all the time, I've read many things with vampires in and at least one of them doesn't always have fangs (Evangeline from Negima)).

The sparkling is ridiculous, enough said.

SCORE: 4/10

CHARACTERS:
I will make one thing very clear: Bella is boring. She has no flaws, and that is why the plot falls flat on its face (or she on hers, whatever your preference). Her views consist of appalling attention to detail on Edward's physique, to the degree that it eats up the pages that could be spent on plot - like a final battle with the villain if the book was from a third person perspective. At the risk of sounding haterish, I kind of wish that she'd been hit by that van sometimes. However, unlike most haters, I don't actually hate any of the other characters that much - the vampires (yes, even Edward) are reasonably quirky that I would actually care much about more of them if the story wasn't from the completely shallow and boring perspective of Bella. The only character that I generally cared about was Alice, and that was partially because I have a wierd attraction to literary characters named Alice, as well as characters that can see the future. Her character is amusing and tragic enough to actually make me want to read the book again after looking about her. The villains, however much they actually emulate PROPER vampires to a degree, get so little time on-screen that it's telling how uncaring the author is for anything closely resembling a folkloreific vampire - and before you ask, I am also annoyed by vampires bursting into flames in sunlight: They're nocturnal creatures in folklore, it's like saying owls and bats burst into flames at the crack of dawn.

SCORE: 5/10

WRITING STYLE:
If the author could cut down on the description of Edward, we might actually have some plot. The annoying continuous use of 'chargrin' also comes to mind, chargrinning as it is. Thesaurus rape and purple prose aside, I stand by my opinion that this would be at least half-decent a story if the thing was in THIRD PERSON perspective instead of from a character's view, since that might stop the stupid levels of description (Real people don't spend 5 minutes describing people they 'love' with words they wouldn't use in real life.)

SCORE: 1/10

OVERALL OPINION: I haven't actually read the other two much, despite the fact they're sitting in my room, waiting for me to muster up the effort and energy required to actually bother to touch them. However, I stand by my words - I would care more about the characters if I didn't have to put up with Bella's boring nature to do so. If I want to care about Twilight, I'll read fanfictions and parodies, thank you very much.

SCORE: 1/10

FINAL SCORE: 13/40